Ahhhh! I have been so frustrated all day today, but I swear the purpose has been to just get me to slow down, cool off, and look at things from a different perspective…

My “check engine light” came on yesterday, which sent me into a tizzy. What does it mean? What’s wrong? How much will it cost? I don’t know cars very well. They are not my expertise. I don’t plan on ever devoting myself to such an expertise. So I always feel “at the mercy” of others in that field…After calling one big-name auto shop, I find that giving me the “code” of what’s wrong with my car is free, while diagnosing it will be 100$. A friend at work tells me that any Advance Auto Parts will read the code for free, so after finding out I have a P0128, the next problem is “what the hell does that mean!?” More investigating finds that to be a cool/thermostat malfunction, which can be everything from no coolant, to the thermostat being “stuck” (and I dunno what goes into un-sticking it…), or replacing the thermostat. I checked the coolant, and it’s in between its lines; I think I figured that one out…. If it needed a new thermostat, I can buy a new thermostat for about 20$ myself. However, if I go to a big-name place, it’ll cost 200-300$ to replace it (and you can’t bring your own parts…), and I don’t know how to put it in…I went to a smaller shop, where I could bring my own thermostat, found out what sounded like a decent hourly rate, but then I don’t really know how reputable they are, or what all needs to be considered when dealing with a shop that’s NOT a big-name place. Plus, after seeing that the two garages they had, currently had a car being worked on, and them not having taken any of my information or keys, I also got the feeling like it was not going to be my “turn” for a while, and I had no book to read and was just more and more agitated and frustrated by each successive step…so I left.

My immediacy flared up again though as I got my spot back at the big-name place, which gave me a time, assured me it should be fixable that day, and I conceded to throwing money at this light on my dashboard to make it go away. Then Wayne called, just as sweet as could be, and said he’d look at (and into) it with me later. It’s not his “expertise” either really, but he is a LOT better at it than me. And I could just bet than it could be something super simple that wouldn’t antagonize anyone but me, and he might be able to help! (From all I’d gathered, it really DIDN’T seem like it was endangering my car…and I did have access to another vehicle if and as needed…) Yes, I could just put on the brakes for a bit, and wait without having to rush into one course of auto-shop action or another. And it felt sooooo good to make that decision.

All the haste and scurry of trying to figure out this area I feel so inadequate in, while reactively taking action to fix it in some way or another, got me soooo scattered. I was angry, irritable, and frustrated. All I wanted to do was go home and cry, but I kept compensating by rushing out into some half-mealed piece of information and another leap of auto-shop faith. After I made the decision NOT to make it so that I HAVE to fix the problem immediately, clarity started to come.

Anytime there’s a “problem” or a “task” I tend to like to solve it and move forward quickly, so that I can tend to the other things going on. At work, I like to get papers graded or assignments made promptly so that I can move forward with everything it takes to facilitate the learning time. With a car, it amounts to fixing the problem so that I can stay focused on just driving. When there’s something on the “backburner” of my mind, it “burns” until it’s dealt with. This “check engine light” was burning a hole in me…However, not everything is an emergency. Mom just asked me to think about how many people drive around with all sorts of “lights” on in their car, or how many teachers don’t worry about getting stuff into until it’s asked for…a second or third time. Well, that might not be the best way to go either, but it does help put into perspective my over attentiveness to problems that aren’t trying to eat me or kill me…or that aren’t even going to shake the foundation needed to continue walking through the event that are necessary for me. I really was just fretting over nothing. Hell, so what if I take it to a big-name shop a week from now and get it done, and just use Mom’s car for work in the meantime? (Although I see it clearing much faster and better…)

The whole point has just been this reflection. The metaphor of how I act when a “light” blinks on on my “dashboard” bleeds over into so many areas with common themes and archetypes. And you know what makes it all so much more fun? Mars is barreling through my 3rd house. Astrologically, the Mars equals impulsive activity, anger, frustration, etc. The 3rd house governs day to day activities, thought processes, communication, and….modes of short distance travel…like cars. So then when you can put just that tidbit together, it’s fascinating to see how the present time is showing me this experience of car problems (relating to temperature too!...getting “overheated”?!) angering me, frustration over feeling inadequate in my knowledge, and impulsively compensating by actively rushing out to fix it. I mean, I can sooooooo see and feel this stuff at work right now!

So what good is that? Well, the fact that I’m experiencing it all as some negative bullshit tells me I have totally framed my picture wrong….(If I look at my natal Mars themes, I get some quick reminders about my ongoing themes too.) Basically though, those energies need to get expressed differently BY me so that it stops getting expressed like it is ON me. Here’s the solution.

Step 1: Sllooooowwwww down. I have to step back and evaluate things first despite a burning urge to rush into action. If I’m not being chased, in danger of getting hurt, or going to starve in the cold, I think I can take a breath.

Step 2: Gathering information and exploring a variety of different possibilities works now! It’s ok to call different places, talk to people about car shops, and meander my way to the best fit. I don’t HAVE to rush off and commit to one place or another immediately just cause that’s what appeared first or is already familiar. Mom invited me to call her place (that I didn’t even know she had been going to really…), Wayne said he’d look at it, and I could e-mail the other teachers at my school about some good local options. In short, I can actively explore the possibilities without having to take immediately impulsive action.

Step 3: Focus upon what my true DESIRE is in all this. (Mars is also desire.) Yeah, I desire that light to go off. Yeah, I desire a good, fair, affordable price to make it happen. Yeah, I desire to make this all go away. But seeing it as a problem, rather than a challenge, makes it too easy to focus on what I DON’T want, which is basically that I don’t want a problem…However, a little closer, what I DO want is to find a good, trustworthy, reliable, fair, regular mechanic or auto shop to go to when needed. I haven’t really needed much since moving to Burlington other than oil changes, alignment checks, and tire rotations. I got that covered. Still, it’d be great to find my way to someone or somewhere that I could count on to handle this area of my life so that I can better juggle the things I prefer to concentrate on. And THAT has set me on a much more fun, meaningful mission—one that I KNOW is more of the “point” to all these sharp agitations I’ve been succumbing to feeling.

I have no doubts that “this too shall pass” and my little “check engine light” dilemma will be resolved in a wonderful way. I expect that the more I start looking for the pony (instead of the manure), the more I will be able to find the “gift” hidden in the “present.” I’ve now calmly cleared into finding the BEST way to resolve this, rather than the fastest…

Anyways, I look forward to incorporating this reflection into myself deeper and seeing what may come. It’s funny to see how even just writing all this has “exercised/exorcised” the anger and frustration out in a more positive manner, converting that 3rd House Mars energy into a different expression. (It was really get the best of me for a while today…) Now, without the unnecessary, frantic worry over this minutia, instead of worrying about how the problem is going to be fixed, I can be excited about what the experience can point me towards! :D